The Background
Our family has been dealing with depression for many years now, and until recently we've not been able to understand what was happening, or that this might have all been rooted in a mental illness. We struggled with it. We fought over it. I knew my wife was depressed, but I could not explain her other symptoms, and truthfully, I did not even realize that they were symptoms of anything. This blog describes the tipping point. The suicide attempt.We really wanted to share this experience because we wanted to provide a resource for other people that are in similar positions or about to be.
People that are thinking of committing suicide need to know the impact that action will have on their loved ones and recognize how important they are in their loved ones' lives.
People who's loved ones will/did attempt suicide. This is what happened to me and how I dealt with it, along with all the fear and insecurity.
Below is the whole experience, taken from both of our journals which we wrote while it was happening (or in some cases within a few days).
Go here for a shorter, summarized version.
Table Of Contents
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The Experience
Henk - Prelude
I am writing this on 5 September 2015, six days after. It feels like a year long ordeal already so I hope I get the details right and in the correct order. My memory has become unreliable and I feel it slipping further away despite the fact that the terror, sadness and guilt will be burned into my mind forever.
Christine was really looking forward to her new job. Her first day would be Monday. For the last few weeks she seemed more able to handle her depression, but this day was not her best. I was excited for her too, but also a bit nervous because her track record over the last few years was not so good when it came to starting a new job. She would either quit before she started or a few days after. I support any decision she makes about jobs, but I really want her to get one and stick it out because that would help her solve several of her current issues ( self confidence, friends, self worth, boredom, hating where we live).
I went to bed around midnight. Christine said she would be in soon. I woke up at around 2 am. She was still up so I went out to tell her to come to bed. I woke up again at around 4-4:30. I came out again to get her to come to bed. My mind was still a bit foggy from my sleeping pill. She seemed a bit dopey but I assumed she might have just had a toke and a Clonazepam and was just winding down. I asked her if she was still going to work in the morning. She said yes. Her speech was a bit slurred but I didn’t really clue in at the time.
Monday, 31 August 2015
Henk - The Discovery
I woke up Monday morning. Christine was already in bed. I got ready and headed to work just like every other day. At around 10:45 I decided to check and see if Christine had managed to get up out of bed and make it to work yet. She was still home according to her phone location so I texted her. When she did not respond I tried calling her but she did not pick up the phone. I felt the need to go home and talk to her. I assumed that she had decided to give up on this job and I wanted to let her know that I supported her and I wanted to make sure she was OK. I told my boss that I had to go home and that I would be back in a half hour to an hour.
When I got home Christine was still in bed. I could not wake her. I shook her and yelled at her and she would briefly come to and then doze off again, fading in and out of consciousness. I roused her and asked if she was still planning to go to work because by now she would be quite late. She responded by slurring out “What day is it?” and then turned her head back to the side and tried to slip away again. I don’t think she even heard me answer that it was Monday. I kept trying to get her awake and coherent, and then I asked her if she had taken any drugs. She said yes so I tried asking her what she took. She tried ignoring me and I became more persistent. Still she wouldn’t tell me what she took. I asked her if she smoked some weed. She said yes. I asked her how much but she wouldn’t answer. I asked her what else she took and she ignored me. I knew that we only had weed but it occurred to me that she might have gotten something else behind my back. I’ve seen other people wasted but my history with Christine never included anything but weed. She barely drinks alcohol and doesn’t do anything else (at least not that I have ever seen or noticed) so I couldn’t imagine what she might have taken. I was clueless and started getting frantic. Christine kept slipping in and out but I became more aggressive. After a lot of pushing she finally said sleeping pills, and when I asked her how many she said a lot. My heart felt like it was ripped out of my chest and dropped into a garbage compacter, the walls slowly crushing it. That idea had never even occurred to me. I knew that she was feeling down on Sunday but I was still blind sided. I’m so stupid and selfish. I asked her sort of angrily if she was trying to kill herself and she said yes. There was no emotion in her voice or in her eyes at all. She then shut her eyes and drifted away again. I rushed to the bathroom and saw that she had taken all my sleeping pills (about 20 Zopiclone) and all my Clonazepam (also about 20). She also had taken the rest of her menstruation pills and some Gravol and the rest of her muscle relaxer pills (the little yellow houses). I had a bit of a panic attack, and then tried to turn off all my emotion. I tried to wake her and then told her I was calling 911.
They answered the phone on the first ring and asked for the nature of the emergency, Fire, Ambulance or Police. I told her ambulance and she said that she was transferring me. The ambulance lady picked up the phone immediately. She asked me where I was so I told her and then she asked what happened. I told her that my wife had tried to end her life by taking a bunch of pills. She asked me if Christine was breathing and if she was awake. I said yes and that it was very difficult for me to keep her awake. She said that it was OK for now to let her sleep, but to make sure that she kept breathing. She also assured me that help was already on the way. Then she asked me more about Christine, her details and such and her state of mind. I told her that she suffered from depression and anxiety. At this point Christine roused a bit and, realizing that I had called 911, said that she need to get dressed. She tried to get up and do it so I helped her, and then she got back down on the bed.
The ambulance lady said that under the circumstances they would have to involve the police and that she would start a three-way conversation with them, reminding me that help was on the way and would be there soon. The police lady picked up the phone and the ambulance lady gave her a brief rundown of events. The police lady asked me about Christine and then asked if we had a fight. I said no and explained that she suffered from depression and anxiety, and that I had come home just now and found her this way. She then asked me a bunch more questions. All the while I was making sure that Christine was still breathing. She roused again and said that she had to go pee. I helped her to the bathroom. She could barely stand let alone walk so I was practically carrying her. The ambulance lady told me to have her stay on the toilet and that the paramedics would help her off so I just stayed with her and answered more questions.
It felt like forever, but was probably all told only about five or ten minutes when the door opened. I had been waiting for the door phone to ring so that I could let them in so I was surprised to see them already at the door. I let them in (only realizing just now as I write this that I left my wife alone on the toilet where she could have fallen off and hit her head on something). The fire department always gets called because they are the first responders. There are more of them so they are often able to get to the scene faster than the ambulance. Two firemen, three paramedics and a huge gurney all crushed through the front door and piled into our tiny apartment. Our little dog went ballistic. They asked me to remove her so I picked her up, kissed her and put her in the den. They asked where Christine was and so I told them in the bathroom and pointed the way. Then I led one of them there. He helped her off the toilet and started leading her out into the bedroom. I tried to help and Christine sank into my arms and held on to me desperately. The paramedic told me somewhat sternly to let her go and get out of the way. He brought her in to the bedroom and sat her down on the chest at the end of the bed.
The police lady on the phone started asking me questions about myself. She first asked me my name which I told her, then she asked my date of birth and there were five huge people with Christine and me in our little bedroom trying to assess and save the love of my life and there was so much noise and it was all so cramped and crowded and I was feeling crushed and I had to get out of there and I started to answer and my throat seized up and I couldn’t speak. Then the dam burst and I couldn’t stop myself from crying. I kept trying to answer but I couldn’t get the words out. I couldn’t control myself and my anxiety was climbing. She started trying to comfort me by saying the usual stuff like how it is OK to cry and that considering the situation it was perfectly understandable and acceptable that I was so stressed out and that of course I knew it would all be OK and she was talking so fast and it was all ringing in my ears. I’m sure that she has helped hundreds of people in the past with this approach but it wasn’t helping me. My anxiety shot through the roof and all I could think of was that with all the noise and all her screeching I wished to hell that she would shut her fucking trap. The anger helped a little and I was able to calm down enough to get her the answers she needed. She then thanked me, reassured me that it was all going to be OK and that the ambulance lady would take care of me and then she hung up. The ambulance lady then confirmed that I was under control and then she said that the paramedics would help Christine and me, wished me well and also hung up.
At this point I was so stressed out that my frantic mind shut down. I’m sure it only lasted for a few seconds, but time slowed down, all sound got muffled and quieter and I felt like I was in an isolation chamber. It had glass walls so I could see everything that was happening (all seemingly in slow motion) but nothing really registered emotionally and I just stood there. I think some would label this as an out of body experience. I saw that the two firemen were just standing around because they were not really needed anymore. I saw that there were two paramedics and a young lady that was a paramedic in training. One of the paramedics was asking her what she thought she was seeing in Christine and what the effects might be and how she might treat it. The other paramedic started looking around in the kitchen and found Christine’s notebook. He opened it and found her suicide letter. He pulled the pages out of the book and asked me about the pills that she had taken. It all washed over me. I started to tell him and then told him I had the bottles, so he asked to see them. I brought them out and put them on the counter and he asked me to write them down on a piece of paper. He then took me aside and asked me how I was doing. I started to cry again. I sat down on the chair at the end of the counter and told him I would be following them to the hospital. He said that I needed to take a bit of time to collect myself before I did that. He said that there was no rush for me to get there. He said that since she had taken the pills at around 4 am or earlier that they were all fully in her system and that she would not get any worse than she was now. He said that she was not going to die.
The police arrived. They did whatever police do in these situations. To me it looked like they were standing around and they might as well have had donuts and coffee, but what the hell do I know. The paramedics brought the gurney over and got Christine onto it. They wheeled her out of the house and I held her hand as she went by me. I was so terrified, (even as I write this now, six days later I am crushed by the emotion of it).
There were two cops. One man and one woman. The man talked to me and tried to reassure me. He was very nice, patient and understanding with me and I responded to that. He reiterated that I needed to take some time to collect myself. There was no sense in me getting on the road right away and possibly having an accident. I told him that I had to take the dog out and that I would take an hour to gather myself before I went to the hospital. I shook his hand and they left.
I let the dog out of the den and took her out for a pee. The police were waiting for the elevator so I rode it down with them. It stopped on the second floor and a guy got on and said “Whoa, cops too??? I just saw a woman carried out on a stretcher by the paramedics!!!”. The cops said "oh ya", very nonchalantly and I think I said something like "oh wow". When I got outside I called my sister and told her everything and cried some more. Then I went back inside and called my boss to tell him that I would not be able to come back because my wife was just taken to the hospital in an ambulance. Then I called Christine’s new employer and told her that she would not be able to come in today, for the same reason and that I would talk to her again tomorrow. I sat down on the couch and tried to calm myself for a few minutes, then I left for the hospital.
When I arrived at the hospital ER I found one of the volunteers, told them that my wife was just brought in by ambulance and asked if he could help me find her. He went to the back and when he came out he said he couldn’t find her so he told me to stand in line and ask the lady at the computer to look her up. I waited for a few minutes and happened to look over to where the volunteer had gone. I saw her laying there on a gurney. I went over to the volunteer and told him I could see her so would he please take me to her. After a bit of convincing I finally got through to him that I really did see her and so he went back again to confirm and then brought me back.
I sat with Christine for a long time. She would fade in and out. Sometimes when she awoke she was understandable, but most times she was babbling and saying stuff that didn't make much sense. She often asked me what day it was and she also complained frequently about the imaginary fly that was right in front of her eyes. She did recognize me, and she held my hand even when she fell asleep.
After about an hour I got up the nerve to ask the ER nurse if I could see Christine’s letter that the paramedics had brought in with her. He wasn’t sure at first, but then he gave it to me and said that he would have to take it back when I was done reading it. She had written a letter that was a good five or six pages long. In it she apologized for doing this but was sure that we would all be strong enough to move on from this and live better lives. She told the kids that I would look out for them and a whole bunch of other stuff that I can’t remember right now, so hopefully they give the letter back. She also did an informal will and testament, leaving everything to me except for some specific things that she wanted to give to others, and then said that I could distribute the rest as needed. The letter was so matter of fact. It was clear that there was no self worth. She truly thought that we would get over her and that we would not suffer any ill effects after we finished mourning. It almost sounded like she thought that we would bury her, have the wake and talk about her and cry for her and then we would all be fine from that point on, as if we were all just barely acquaintances of hers rather than the people that love her the most in the whole world. I cried while I read it. I felt so sad for her that she would feel so unloved, that she could not understand just how much each and every one of us treasures her. She is and always has been the glue between us all and she never really understood that or how important to us she truly is.
I gave the note back the next time I saw the nurse and then I sat there holding her hand. Slowly, she would start making sense a bit more often and so we were able to talk briefly about reality. Once she asked to go to the bathroom. We rung the call bell and waited for a half hour to see a different nurse come and tell us that we were free to go to the bathroom and that I could take her and that it was just over there around the corner. Thanks! She leaned heavily on me and we made it to the bathroom and back fine. She wasn’t always making sense, but it was slowly coming back. There was still however, no light in her eyes. While I sat with her at her bedside I was at war with myself, trying to control my guilt for not being a better husband to her and not giving her what she needed. I kept breaking down and crying, so much that it was amazing that I could still cry at all.
This wait was so difficult. Nobody was telling me anything, because nobody knew. One nurse said he was waiting for a doctor to examine her. Another said that they were all waiting for her to throw up. It seemed like the throwing up part was pretty important to them, and I still don’t know if they were hoping she would or hoping she wouldn’t. She didn’t. Also, a doctor never came. Eventually they started saying that they were waiting for an official ER bed to open up for her. She was at this time still on the gurney that she was brought in on. During this time, in her groggy state she mumbled several times to me that she was sorry, but there was not really any remorse and it wasn’t very intelligible, let alone convincing.
I think it was about 3:30 when they moved her out of the ER waiting area to a semi permanent ER bed. They just wheeled the gurney she was on into a room. While there they put an IV in her arm “just in case she might need fluids” and asked her and me a bunch of questions. She was reviving a bit more often by this point, and being mostly lucid a bit more often as well. They asked her questions about her physical health and also about her mental state. At least three different people came in and asked her pretty much the same questions, like whether or not she still wanted to end her life. We were there for a few hours and gradually her wakefulness improved. When nurses or doctors (who knows which is which) came in to talk to her, she would push everything down and be all pleasant with them and you would never even know that anything was wrong. While we were alone together and when she wasn’t sleeping we cried together quite a lot. She did seem sincerely sorry that she caused me pain, but she was also quite clear that if she were to go home she would immediately try again to end her life.
We talked a lot about how she felt it was all pointless and how she had no hope for things to get better. She expressed how she felt nobody really loved her, and that me telling her how the people around her felt, and how the people that she met around town really felt (based on my own observation) was just me trying to make her feel better, and that it couldn’t possibly be true, because why would anybody love her??? She believed that she was a burden on everybody, and that she had nothing to offer. That she was basically useless. Not only that, but that everything that had gone wrong in the years leading up to this were essentially focused on her.
- Us having to move to a new town so that I could get a job was her fault because if she had a job to help bring in money while I was unemployed then we might not have had to move and we could have stayed closer to our kids and grand daughter.
- Her hating the new town because she didn’t know anybody there was her fault because she knew that she was making it difficult for me since I had no choice but to live here so that I could bring in money.
- Her frustration that she did not know anybody here indicated to her that she wasn’t worthy of people getting to know her.
- Her inability to keep a job here meant to her that she was lazy.
- The fact that my ex wife turned my oldest daughter against me so that I was completely out of her life for over two years was her fault because if she was not there to have that one single argument with my ex wife (who decided to involve my oldest daughter in something that had nothing to do with her at all) then everything would have been OK.
We were told eventually that Christine would be admitted, so they were planning to move her from the ER to a hospital room. They were looking for a room to free up that would be safe for her so that she would be easier to watch and so that she would not be as easily able to harm herself. When it came time to move out of the ER it turned out that she would be put into a transition room because the actual room was not ready yet, but would probably be later in the evening. This transition room (the dungeon) was an octagon shaped room with concrete walls and a solid steel door that was a good six inches thick and had absolutely nothing handle or knob wise on it’s inside surface. There was a mattress in the middle of the floor and a steel toilet attached to the wall. There were no windows. We were told that this was not an indication that she needed this level of protection, but that there was nothing currently available that had enough protection for her and so this would have to do until a more suitable room was ready. They were going to leave the door open and unlocked and she would be allowed to use the bathroom next door (the room was in a group of similar rooms, all closed off from the rest of the hospital. To both Christine and I it did not matter what their intentions were, this was a dungeon and she felt trapped.
Christine lay on the bed and I sat on the floor beside her so that I could still touch her and we talked. She asked me to call her mom and her boys and tell them what had happened. She said that if her mom wanted to come visit that would be OK, but that she should not bring her husband because he was far too negative. I told her that I would. I lay down on the concrete floor and put my head on the mattress beside her head. She put her hand on my chest and she dozed off for a little bit. I tried to relax but my mind was all over the place. I couldn’t control my thoughts or emotions. I would go from feeling a desperate urge to get up and run away to crying my eyes out, and then some calm and more crying and more running. I also felt resentful. Why would she do this to us? How selfish of her. And even more petty thoughts like what a pain in my ass this all is for me. I now have to look after the dog and run all these errands and take care of her and what if I just didn’t want to. I wasn’t asked. It was all thrust upon me and it just wasn’t fair! I also was dreading having to call everyone to tell them. Actually, I was terrified of the prospect.
I left the hospital at around 6 pm. It felt like this all happened over the span of several days, but it was only about 7 hours or so. I got into the car, put the phone onto the Bluetooth and drove away. I called Christine’s mom first. I told her that I was calling about her crazy daughter. She asked what she had done now. I told her that Christine tried to end her life earlier in the day by taking pills and thankfully she failed. She had a lot of composure, but I could tell that she was very shocked and stunned. I gave her more details and we talked about it all for a bit and then I promised I would call her every day to keep her updated.
I called our younger son next. I was all casual and said Hey, how are you doing? He replied that he was fine and asked me the same. I told him I was doing shitty. I then told him that his mom tried to end her life by taking pills. He freaked out. He was so angry (and I am sure that the anger was also in part a mask for the fear he must have felt). I told him to please realize that this was not his fault in any way, and that it was also not his mother’s fault. I explained that she was so depressed, as he already knew, and that she had finally gotten to the point where she saw no way out except to end it. I said that I thought that was actually a good thing because since she thankfully failed now the medical community would have to take her seriously and so she could finally get the help that she has been trying to get for so long now. After that he got a bit quiet and sounded like he agreed with me. I told him to make sure he talked with his wife and his brother. I did not want him to bottle those feelings up. He said he would. I found out later from his wife that after he hung up he had a major panic attack that caused him to have a seizure.
I tried to call our older sone but he did not answer, and then my phone rang. It was my daughter-in-law demanding to know what the hell was going on. I told her, and although I remember her being upset and telling me her man's panic attack and me telling her to support him no matter what and to “COMMUNICATE” with him, I don’t remember anything else about that conversation. Just that it was long and stressful, and that I was feeling a huge amount of guilt over making the kids feel so bad. I was sure that he must hate me for it.
At this point I had already gotten home and was taking the dog out for a walk. I tried our oldest again and when he picked up the phone I told him as well. He became very quiet. I knew he was upset but he almost sounded disinterested for a while. I think it took a bit for what I said to register in him. He did not have the same outburst reaction that his brother did, but he was so disappointed. He seemed to sink into himself. I obviously could not see him, but that's what it felt like to me. I begged him to go over to his brother’s house and talk it out with him. I really wanted them to all support each other because I could not be there for them. They really needed to talk it all through and try to come to terms with it. I also told him that he shouldn’t feel any guilt or blame, and that he should realize that it was not his mom’s fault, and how it might be a good thing in the long run.
I called my sister again and cried some more, then I brought the dog back in the house and went back to work. I had to make up the time I lost because of a tight and critical deadline. I got home at around 11pm and ate my McDonald's burger and went to bed. I was drained. I did not take any sleeping pills because I only had the ones in my weekly pill box and I felt like I needed to make them last. I slept terribly.
Christine - I Want It To Be Over
I took an overdose of pills last night, hoping I would not wake up and never have to feel pain or discomfort ever again. I would never have to be around grumpy people anymore. Never have to make choices again. I just wanted peace.Well, I did not succeed. Henk came home in a panic because I wasn't answering my phone and he knew what my mindset has been. He called 911 and I was rushed to the hospital by ambulance. Once we got there everyone just kept asking me the same questions over and over again. "Why did you want to kill yourself?" I just wanted them all to shut up and let me die, but that wasn't going to happen because I didn't take enough of the right kind of pills. I just slept from all the sleeping pills.
I was put in a special room so I couldn't hurt myself or anyone else. It was pretty much a jail cell. The mattress was on the floor. There were glass bricks for a window, so I couldn't see out. It had one of those sink and toilet combo's that you see in prison. There was a camera on me 24/7
The first day I didn't care because I was still out of it. The second day was very hard. I felt so low and was angry that I didn't die. I felt so guilty when Henk would tell me how everyone took the news of what I did. I felt like a big loser.
Tuesday, 1 September 2015
Henk - Still In The Dungeon
I woke up to my alarm as usual, took the dog out and then went to work, as usual. I knew that I was going to leave early so that I could get to the hospital, but I also knew that my wife would be sleeping so I really did not need to be there right away. That said, it was eating away at me all morning and so at noon I left. I told my boss I would be back again that evening to finish up the day.
When I got to the hospital I went straight to the dungeon and asked to be let in to see Christine. They let me in and she was just coming out of the bathroom. She confirmed that she only just woke up. She was much more alert than when I last saw her, but still saying that she was really tired and that she had a headache. I told her that it was not a surprise that she was tired since she took a month’s worth of sleeping pills. We sat down on her mattress together. She had her legs crossed and was facing me. We talked a bit and then she said that she would prefer to lay down. She did, on her side and I lay down behind her, my hand on her hip. We were quiet. The stillness forced me to think of where we were and why. It overwhelmed me and I couldn't hold back the tears.
We talked and cried a lot on Tuesday. It was that kind of day. Throughout it all, despite how much Christine professed her sorrow for having hurt us all, she was still convinced that her death was the best answer. There was no dislodging that idea, and I didn’t even try very hard. I knew that she wouldn’t budge, so I just stayed with her and held her and loved her.
I stepped out at one point to call Christine’s boss. She had asked me earlier if I would be able to do this. I told her that Christine really appreciated the opportunity but that she would not be able to start work there in the near future, so they should not hold the position for her. Her boss was disappointed but understood, so she wished Christine well and said that when she was ready, if she still wanted to work there that she should feel free to stop by. I got the distinct impression that her boss was very impressed with her and would really have liked for Christine to work there.
On the way home I had the pleasure of telling her mother that she wasn’t really any better. She was more alert but still firmly on her path. We talked at great length about it and about her past. We talked about what we could do for her and what we felt she needed. I got a lot of comfort from that conversation. I asked her if she thought she might be planning on coming out to see Christine. She said that she had doctor’s appointments and medical tests each day that week so she wouldn’t unless Christine absolutely needed her to. I told her that although she would really like to see her mom, Christine was not at that point so it would probably be fine for her to not come out, and that I would keep her posted if that changed. I also told her that if she did come out, to not bring her hubby along. She completely understood and understood why. I hung up the phone and my spirits were a little bit lifted. I was still terrified for the love of my life, but I felt some support there besides just my sister helping to hold me up.
I called the kids and gave them each the update. Mama was doing better physically, but there was not really any improvement yet for her mentally. I told them each that I would keep them posted and that I loved them. I then got home, took the dog out and then went back to the office to finish my day of work. While at work I put in a request to take the next day (Wednesday) off. Despite the deadline and the importance of the project that I was working on, I was so overwhelmed that I could not juggle working with everything else.
When I got home I sat on the couch and was very overwhelmed by the enormity of this situation. It felt like such a heavy burden and I was not sure I could carry it. I went to bed and this time I did take my sleeping pill. It didn't help. I slept terribly.
I slept in that morning until about eight. I got up, tried to take my time getting ready, but still felt so frazzled that I could barely manage to leave the house without forgetting anything. I had to stop at the lab downtown first because I had an ultrasound appointment for my low back. While I was in the waiting room there was an older couple sitting across from me. They showed so much love for each other. He was a little disabled, he had a walker. She helped him with his drink and she touched his face, fussing with him with love in her fingertips, and he smiled at her with a look that spoke volumes of how in love he was with her. She returned that look as they spoke quietly with each other. My heart swelled because they reminded me of my own parents who had the exact same relationship right up until my father passed, and my mother still treats his memory that way. They were/are the great love story. The true lovers when they walk off into the sunset and the movie ends and we all wonder what became of them over the years and how did their love evolve. This is how. There was no more beautiful sight. When I first met Christine I felt that she and I had that huge love, and over the years and the trials that we went through, with her depression and my own, that love seemed to go into hiding. When ever we were in company we would be able to put the hurt and suffering aside because neither of us wanted anyone else to know that we were suffering. Christine likes to say that she was putting a mask on in those situations, but I prefer to think that she was taking the mask off. A mask of pain and suffering, when removed her true beauty shone through. I wanted desperately for us to feel that love once more. I cried softly in the waiting room and it took me a few minutes to regain my composure.
When I got to the hospital the nurse told me that I had to wait to get in because the psychiatrist was just in there seeing Christine. I asked her to see if I could also have a word with him. I wanted to find out what the plan and prognosis was for the love of my life, and I wanted to make sure that she wasn’t going to slip through the cracks again. She said she would ask.
When she came back a few minutes later she said that I would not be able to see him at that time because he was just too busy but that he would try to make time for me over the next few days. Then she asked me if I was ready to come in. I stood up and said yes. She asked me if I was OK and I tried to say that I was fine. My wavering voice betrayed me. Obviously I’m not fine. This situation is the furthest thing from fine. She called me out on it and then tried to comfort me while I cried yet again. She was telling me how it would all be OK and that Christine was in a safe place. I told her that it was so hard to be strong and that there were the kids and that they needed me to be strong for them. She tried to say more comforting things and I guess they must have helped because I was able to regain some control of myself.
Christine was moved late the previous evening into the cell beside the one she was in before. This one was better because it actually had a gurney so Christine could sleep off the ground, and there was a chair so I could sit. Of course, the down side was that it was right next to the nurses station so there was a lot of noise. She was still very sleepy so after we talked for a while she went back to sleep. I turned off the lights and sat with her, holding her hand. I had lots of time to reflect. Lots of time to replay the last few days over in my head. The thought that I almost lost her forever made me cry. As I write this I feel the need to make a joke about how much I cried during the ordeal. This has been the most emotional thing that I have ever experienced by far and I don't wish it on anyone.
The thought that I could have done better as a husband to ensure that she was happy, that I could have “fixed” her wouldn’t leave me alone. It was difficult at the time to understand that what was wrong with Christine was not something that I could just fix or that she could just fix.
There is no such thing as a magic pill. Depression and anxiety is a condition that she has that makes it more difficult for her to manage her feelings. Her happys are fantastic and her sads are catastrophic. It sounds like bi-polar disorder, but it is not really the same thing. This is more about when Christine feels sad or frustrated or scared it takes over her mind and won’t let her think about anything but that. It’s like OCD. She worries it to death, like a dog worries at a bone to get into the marrow inside. It wraps her up tight. It takes a lot of effort to break free, and often too much effort. This leads to the overwhelming depression, days of just not wanting to even get out of bed, and ultimately to suicide. It is so difficult for someone with this disorder to be able to get out when in a fully anxious state. They have to learn to pay close attention to the triggers and then try to control the feelings before they take hold of her, so that she can manage them with some sense of reason. People that have not been exposed to this struggle don’t understand the choking grip that prevents any reasonable thoughts from entering the mind because they have never felt anything like it in their own minds. Even me, living with her and it every day. I struggle to comprehend. I am depressed, but I always manage to push that beast down and take charge of it. Why can’t she? She is otherwise so strong, so amazing, but this controls her life.
I know that this is the case and it doesn't matter. I just wanted to fix her. To protect my precious wife. I would do anything for her. I just want her to get better.
In the early afternoon they finally came and told her that a room was ready for her, so she was moved upstairs into her own room. She was moved to the ward for people that have mental disorders or substance abuse problems. We were taken to her new room and were told that her nurse for the day would be in shortly to sign her in. While we waited Christine asked me to get her some clothes, and asked me to bring her some music to listen to and possibly get her a book to read. I wasn’t ready for her to have her phone yet because I did not want her to be exposed yet to all the negativity that Facebook and other internet stuff brings on, so we agreed that I would go pick up a cheap MP3 player and put some of her music on it. I also told her I would get her the book she was looking forward to reading.
Christine’s nurse that first day was Melanie. She was very nice and she walked Christine and I through the situation. Christine was admitted involuntarily. That means that she would not be allowed to leave until her psychiatrist signed her out. If she tried, the police would hunt her down and bring her back. She was entitled to fight this decision by bringing in a lawyer and going through the courts. Christine finally started to perk up. She signed the papers and agreed that she needed to be here. While the nurse was still talking to Christine I had to leave. My parking pass was about to expire and so Christine and I decided that rather than renewing it I would go run the errands, run home and take care of the dog, relax for a little bit, then bring back her clothes and all the stuff she wanted.
I got all her new stuff at the mall and even got her a present. A little fairy that I knew she wanted to represent our grand daughter. I got home and got the laundry started so that she could have her PJs and I fought with getting her music onto the new MP3 player. It turned into a huge ordeal so I did not get to sit and relax at all. Oh well :(. I packed up all Christine's stuff and headed back to the hospital. When I finally got there Christine was pretty tired, so I hung out with her for a little while and then headed back home. They would not let her keep the fairy. They were concerned about someone throwing it, so I brought it back home with me. At least she got to see it. When I got home it was already about 11. I wish I could have gone to sleep but that wasn't gonna happen. That entire week I only got a few hours per night, despite my sleeping pills. It didn't matter. I needed to be there for my wife. Not only did she need me but I had an overwhelming compulsion to be there. Nothing else mattered.
Christine - Caged
I had to spend two long nights in that damn room. Finally, on Wednesday afternoon I was brought up to the crazy ward. At first I was happy because I could get some well needed help, whether it was going to be group counseling or even one on one, or even have my psychiatrist adjust my meds. NOPE. Instead I am in a prison again. I at least have my own room but there is nothing to do here. Everyone here is in rough condition and I feel more in danger here than I would at home. I have no one to talk to. There has not been any group counseling for me. Just for people that have drug or alcohol problems.Thursday, 3 September 2015
Henk - Impact
Thursday I felt a lot of anger towards my wife. She called me at work in the late morning and told me to come pick her up. They were giving her a 4 hour pass to get away and she was desperate to take them up on it. I couldn’t get there soon enough for her. I told her that I had to wrap up the stuff that I was working on and that it would be about 30-45 minutes before I could leave. She called me every 10 minutes and it really pushed my buttons. I was tired. Very tired. I did finally manage to go get her. She met me at the hospital main doors. Her whole attitude was that she was getting the hell out of the hospital. She was behaving like a trapped animal, desperate to be free.
Before we got home we had to stop at the pharmacy to renew her Lorazepam prescription, and I needed to renew my sleeping pills as well, so I had her drop them both off. We couldn’t both go in because we had the dog, so she was offering to stay with the dog while I dropped off the refill request. I asked her to go in instead and I would stay outside. I was extremely cautious. I really couldn’t be sure that she wouldn’t run, or do something and I knew that it would be much more difficult for her to do anything inside the store than if I had left her outside. She accomplished her mission and then we went home. She jumped into the shower right away (I can’t blame her for that at all). I stayed in the bedroom, keeping a clear sight of her in the shower. I was definitely paranoid and not ready to trust her.
The rest of our visit away from the hospital was nice enough although it was pretty short, but it was all about planning for when she would be released. It was extremely focused on that day. The plan she described to me was that she would get the 4 hour passes on Thursday and Friday, and then a 8 hour passes on Saturday and Sunday, and that on Monday the doctor would review with her and maybe release her. Christine spared no thoughts for the days in between. It was all about when she would be released. She was very negative about the whole experience in the ward, saying that nobody was helping her and that she wasn’t able to talk to any of the other patients and that she felt like this was the wrong place for her. I understood her feelings, but she was in there for a reason. She had just tried to kill herself and already she was planning her escape. She wasn’t even willing to give the ward a chance.
We had to be getting back to the hospital and before that we needed to make sure that we stopped at the pharmacy to pick up the prescriptions. Her Lorazepam was refilled but they rejected mine. I was expecting this but clearly Christine was not. I had just filled those two prescriptions less than a week earlier and she had cleaned me out. The insurance company denied the refill. I could see the panic in her eyes. I asked her in a whisper how she wanted me to handle this. She looked like she was not ready to just blurt out the truth so I told the pharmacist that I had had an accident with my previous pill bottles and that was why I needed them to be refilled. She accepted that, put a note on the forms and refilled them for me. Easy as that. Obviously I would have paid full price for the refill if I had to but I'm glad I didn’t and I'm also glad that Christine did not have to spill her guts about the real reason (She told me the next day that she would have taken the pharmacist aside in a consultation room if it came to it and tell her the truth).
After I brought Christine back to the hospital (I don’t even remember if I stayed with her for a while or not. This was such a charged day) I remember sitting on the couch trying to watch some TV. My anger just kept growing at the thought that Christine might try to escape without getting the help she needed, and even avoid getting that help on purpose. I was not able to handle that possibility, and so as my anger grew so did thoughts of my own suicide. There was no way that I could manage living with Christine if she did not accept and deal with her situation and treat it with the seriousness that it deserved and required. I took that as a slap in my own face, like I was her patsy. She was playing with both our lives with little concern for a real and healthy future. If it all played out that way I would not be able to continue, and I knew that I would have to either leave her or kill myself.
Christine - My Life Sucks
When I talked to my psychiatrist's student on Thursday morning I told him I wanted to go home because I didn't think this place would help. He talked to the psychiatrist about it, who then came to talk to me himself. He told me that since I tried to take my life he didn't think I was ready to go home yet, but he did allow me to have day passes. I got to go out for four hours today. My anxiety went through the roof. Even though I don't want to stay here, I don't know if I want to go home either. I'm so tired of being alone and if I do want to see anyone I have to go to them. No one wants to come visit me.Henk is in panic mode. He wants to control all my meds, hide all his, and he is telling me to stay away from my phone. I guess I can't blame him and I know he just cares and worries about me. I just feel like I have no control anymore. I am stuck in this boring place for four more days at least. It could be longer. I have no idea. All I do is walk the halls, around and around and around. I have tried sitting and watching TV but someone is already in the room watching something. I try to read in my room and listen to music but that bores me too.
How can someone feel so alone when they are surrounded by people??? I feel like I am back in school. Everyone had their groups and then there was me, roaming the hallways alone. Everyone tells me that people like me and that I am a good people person, but I don't see it because I am always alone. People tell me to get out more and meet people but even when I try that it doesn't work. I don't even have a group of girlfriends to hang out and do things with anymore. I just have Henk and my dog. When Henk is at work I'm all alone, and when he comes home I still feel alone because he is too tired or distracted to talk to me. I live in a town I hate, and for what???
I love Henk and I love that he is my husband but my life sucks!!! All the shit that happened and still is happening with Henk's ex is driving me to my grave. She wins!!! She has made my life miserable. I just want to move somewhere that I can be happy and stay away from all stress. I don't see that happening though. I was born to have a boring life and to have my dad's mental problems. I would rather have cancer than have all these bad feelings all the time. I don't know how it feels to be happy anymore and I am scared that I never will be happy again. Since I am being 100% honest here ... if things don't get better I can't promise I won't try killing myself again. Next time I will do it right!!!
I was allowed a four hour pass. Henk picked me up and before going home we stopped at Shoppers Drug Mart to refill some meds and then to the UPS store to pick up a package. When we got home I had a shower. Henk was being very protective. I don't blame him. Before heading back to the hospital we went back to the drug store to pick up the meds. They were not going to give Henk's to him because just had them refilled recently. I took them all when I tried to kill myself. I felt like crap for doing that. Henk needs those meds. Luckily they know us quite well so Henk told them we had a bit of an accident with the previous pills and we didn't have to say anymore than that. I would have told them the truth if I had to. My anxiety went through the roof at that point. I felt so bad that he might not have gotten his meds because of a stupid thing that I did. I told him that if it came down to it I would have taken the pharmacist aside and told her the truth. I am just lucky I didn't have to.
Friday, 4 September 2015
Henk - Change Of Heart
Clearly the events at the pharmacy the night before affected Christine and I am sure they played a large part in her change of heart. She became much more accepting of her situation, and willing to see it through so that she could get better. I was planning my ultimatum to her all night and the next day. I got a phone call from her early in the morning (around 8:30) and I kinda snapped at her. My thoughts were pretty dark. She had only called to tell me good morning and that she loved me and to remind me that I was coming to get her after work. Her voice wasn’t frantic and it really took me by surprise. I had to rethink. I was still going to be cautious but maybe things were not going to go the way I was expecting.
I picked her up from the hospital and we went from there to the park. We took a nice long walk and had a really encouraging talk. I am definitely a sucker for my wife’s sweet voice and batting eyelashes, but I was really paying close attention and I did not notice any signs of falsehood. She told me that she was feeling extremely guilty for having taken my pills and put me in jeopardy. She was really regretful of her attempted suicide and of how much it must have hurt all of us. She explained that she really wanted to get better and would do what ever she had to do to that end. The walk through the park made me feel incredibly recharged, not only that there might be hope for us, but that there definitely was and I was not the only one striving for our future anymore.
After the park we went to the mall. We stopped in at the kiosk in the center of the mall where we got the fairies. Christine wanted to get a Buddha and some incense. She wants to create a relaxation center in our house and this was a start for that. She told me at the park that she had a wonderful day at the hospital and that one of the things she had done was their relaxation session, where they helped her to learn how to relax. She loved it and felt that she really wanted something like that at home. Then we went to the food court to grab some quick dinner. I was really feeling the love. We could not keep our eyes off each other. It was almost like a simple first date. That feeling you get when you are exploring your date’s personality and loving what you find. I was reminded of the amazing woman that I had married. I couldn’t be more thrilled.
Christine - Hope
I am having a good day today. I went for the group walk, then went to the relaxation group. It helped a lot! I am even getting to know the people in here so I am not feeling alone anymore. I have talked about my kids a lot today and it fills me with pure joy. I am so proud of myself for raising such great kids. Yes, we had our ups and downs, but in the end they are the best kids a mother could have.Henk will be picking me up soon so I hope my day continues to be as good as it has been.
My day was awesome!!! Henk and I went for a nice walk at the park and then went to the mall. Then, when Henk brought me back he stayed for a while and it was just awesome! Also, I finally talked to my mom and my kids. I am so happy to be alive. I have the best family ever :). I'm looking forward to going home tomorrow for the day!
Saturday, 5 September 2015
Henk - Wobbly Knees
Christine had an eight hour pass today and we spent it together at home. She took a nap in her own bed and then we spent some time relaxing together. We made an effort to put all our problems out of our minds so that we could just enjoy each others company.
When I dropped Christine off at the hospital we hung around together, walking the halls a bit. We ran into her nurse Michelle and talked about her progress for quite a while, and then it was pretty much time for me to head home. We went to the library and looked out the windows at the view. Then we sat on the couch facing that window, sort of hidden away from view and talked. When we decided to leave we took a private kiss before we had to say goodbye at the nurses station. The kiss kinda floored me. It was electrifying. I felt our connection being recreated. I already knew before and we had talked about this previously, but this really brought home just how broken our connection was. We used to be inside each other, literally on the same page completing each others thoughts, and that hasn’t happened in quite a long time. That is my number two priority to repair, after making sure that Christine can be healthy. Now as I write this and think on it more it really reminds me of our first kiss. That kiss was amazing and connection forming as well, like bells were ringing to proclaim that two soulmates had finally met. It is like we are rebuilding our relationship from the ground up.
We walked to the nurses station so that I could leave. I gave her another kiss goodbye. This one was also delicious, but more safe for public viewing. Then I walked out of the hospital, a little wobbly kneed. I called to give Christine her daily update but she had gone to bed so I ended up talking to Ron instead. I did not give him as much detail, but I did tell him that Christine was doing better and that we should all strive to get the negativity out of our lives, not just for her sake but our own as well to make us healthier.
Christine - Baby Steps
Today was my first day to have a full day pass. I was excited and nervous at the same time. I am getting to know people here and it sure makes it easier to be here. It is also very nice to finally have people to talk to. I have felt so alone for so long that I forgot how good it makes me feel to talk to people.Henk picked me up around 11 am and we went home. I was so happy to be home and even more happy to see my dog. Even though it felt really good to be home I was a bit nervous too. I felt very glad that I got to come back to the hospital after my day at home.
While I was home, of course I jumped right back into my housewife duties. I did the laundry and tidied up a bit, but I didn't get all anxious and upset that the place needs to be vacuumed and dusted. I was quite proud of myself for that.
I could tell that Henk was feeling nervous and was still feeling down about the whole situation. Of course I felt guilty for it and I was honest with him about how I felt, and we had a great snuggle and cry.
The one thing that made my anxiety rise was that I found out that the day after I was brought to the hospital a man was found dead in his truck in our apartment garage. He killed himself and succeeded. I was so sad for his family and it really hit home. I realized how lucky I am that I lived. I get to spend the rest of my life with my family, and they still have me in their lives. I know I will still feel guilty for some time but I am excited to start getting myself back.
Henk brought me back around 7:30 pm. He stayed for an hour and then we had a big snuggle before he went home. I visited some of my new friends here and then went to bed just after 10. I laid in bed reading until around 12:30 when I finally turned off the lights. I tossed and turned for a while before finally falling asleep. I had weird dreams and woke up a few times.
Sunday, 6 September 2015
Henk - Visit From The Kids
Today some of the kids came to visit. I got Christine home from the hospital for the day and we made it home just before they arrived. They brought some presents for Christine and get well cards, etc. We had a really nice visit and the kids were quite good with being patient and understanding, but I could tell they were a little nervous and uncomfortable as well. That said, it was nice that they got to see Christine at home rather than in the hospital.
Christine - With The Cubs
I woke up before 8 am. I felt very tired, and still do at just after 10 am. I am looking forward to seeing how my day goes today. I get to go home for the day again and I get to see some of my cubs.Monday, 7 September 2015
Henk - My Walls Come Crumbling Down
What the fuck is wrong with me. I am crying at the drop of a hat. I feel like I can’t handle my emotions anymore. Also, today, right now is when this all unfolded last week. Not sure yet how I feel about that. It certainly shines a light on it, but I am so depressed right now that I’m not sure it makes a difference what day it is. I need to find someone to talk to. I also feel that I have lots of tears left based on fear and guilt that are not shed. I have to get those out of me. I just want this all to end so I can have my wife back. I love her so much and I can’t wait for her to be healthy again. I really miss the woman I married. … And now I am crying yet again. :(
It's been a long and unproductive day at work. It's been pretty difficult to focus on anything. Now that the day is unwinding I am still pretty emotional and I am finding that the walls I put up to keep myself together are crumbling. I’m not sure that I am ready yet for that to happen, but I can’t really stop it. That’s why I’ve been so emotional today. Unfortunately I’ve also been having thoughts of suicide myself. I am so overwhelmed by it all that I am scared that I can’t cope. Christine will be coming home soon (I expect because she is doing wonderfully) and I am frightened that she has only gone through the last few days as positive days. Nothing has forced her anxiety to approach it’s limits. What if I am at work and she loses control of herself??? I can’t go through this again, and if she were to succeed the next time, I think I would die of grief.
Christine - Weird Dreams
I had some weird dreams last night. One that sticks out is that we looked at a house we were thinking of buying and since we liked it we moved in right away, even though the people still lived there (weird, I know LOL). When the owners came home I realized that what we did was wrong. As we were quickly gathering our stuff up I just kept apologizing to the owners and telling them I know what we did was wrong. I just kept saying that over and over again. The lady just wasn't accepting my apology, but the man did. When I did wake up that dream really bothered me for some reason. I think it's because of this whole ordeal that put me into the hospital and how I felt so bad for doing this to my family. Even though they have all accepted my apology I must still feel guilty in the back of my mind.Tuesday, 8 September 2015
Henk - The Homecoming
I've been worrying about the love of my life all week, and although she has definitely been improving I still worry. Then today I am told that I no longer need to worry. She is fine and is being released. I have to trust the doctor, but I am not ready to stop worrying. I'm glad she is home with me but I'm on eggshells. I want to make sure that she knows I will always be there for her and that I will always fight for her no matter what happens. I might overdo it for a while but I strive to never take her for granted or ignore her.
I read Henk's journal of what happened the day he found me. It was heart breaking. It hurts so bad that I put my family through this. I had to take a Lorazepam and then I called my mom for support. Then I vacuumed the living room, set up my meditation corner and did my best to meditate for five minutes. I relaxed after all this. I did feel a lot better when Henk got home. We just relaxed the rest of the night and went to bed around 11. I fell asleep right away.
Christine - A New Chapter
I get to go home today. I am feeling a bit scared and excited at the same time. I'm nervous about seeing my family doctor. I am scared of being judged. I'm sure he won't but I can't help feeling this way. I am looking forward to my new beginning. A new chapter in my life. I am also feeling very tired mentally and physically.Wednesday, 9 September 2015
Christine - Migraine
I didn't sleep last night because I had a terrible migraine. Henk took me to the ER and they gave me a migraine cocktail intravenously. It helped big time! I had a nap when I came home and then we just chilled on the couch and watched TV. Very relaxing, but I did have to take a Lorazepam.Thursday, 10 September 2015
Christine - The Journal
I had a good sleep. I woke up feeling anxious. This is my first day alone. I am feeling very negative about everything. I rescheduled my appointment with my counselor and also made an appointment with her for Henk.I read Henk's journal of what happened the day he found me. It was heart breaking. It hurts so bad that I put my family through this. I had to take a Lorazepam and then I called my mom for support. Then I vacuumed the living room, set up my meditation corner and did my best to meditate for five minutes. I relaxed after all this. I did feel a lot better when Henk got home. We just relaxed the rest of the night and went to bed around 11. I fell asleep right away.
